11.3.15

X Rays




Despite feeling light years better than I have in 7 months, and absorbing all the radiance from family, friends, unknowns, and new love, it's become clear to me that I am still vulnerable and raw regarding recent events. I'm sure it's to be expected- how often does pain dissolve overnight?

It's mostly due to "triggers" found commonly in popular culture. What I read and watch. Triggers is an apt term that I really like- an accurate way to describe how it feels after the trigger is pulled, and who or what is doing the pulling.

The biggest hurdle is trying to overcome the absolute viciousness and zero concern for my healing my displayed by my ex since immediately after the incident and continuing to this very moment. I shouldn't be so surprised, but I am.

I'm happy to cut people like that out of my life, definitively, but I still long to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship. And to forgive her, for the past and for now. But who can deny the pain of sharing a decade with someone I was deeply in love with, who birthed our two beautiful children, only to have it all end like a helicopter crash. Like a scab that someone keeps scratching off.

But instead of saying, "Dude, what the fuck are you doing? That was healing!" which would be entirely appropriate, I have to keep my mouth shut for legal reasons and just hope that they will realize on their own how their actions affect others.

But narcissistic sociopaths don't follow predictable trains of thought like that. That is their own curse and their's alone. I realize now it's not something to fight against but to sympathize with. I have my own curses and the people that truly love me help me through them.

It's impossible for me to completely reject the mother of my kids, so I keep her name on my arm. As a past life reminder. That time is 100% over and will never repeat itself, but it existed.

The trick is to not dwell too long on such things and be effective in the moment. Jump one obstacle at a time. Hold onto the hands extended to you. They will help you over.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,

DP

[EDIT: Never mind, I decided to get her name removed from my arm. I need that spot for my third kid!]

28.2.15

REUNION



I couldn’t sleep again last night. But this time it wasn’t from anxiety, it was from excitement and happiness.

In 3 hours and 45 minutes I will be with my children again!

I have had dreams about them, I spend evenings looking at old pictures of them, I keep their handwritten notes and drawings made for me next to my bed. Not a moment has gone by when I haven’t fantasized about hugging them, holding them again.

It hasn’t even been that long. I have been on tour longer than this. The crucial difference is: there was a time not long ago when I was absolutely sure I would never see them again.

I had farewell letters written for each of them on my person when I jumped.

It’s truly a miracle I survived. It’s a miracle I am healthy and heart-beating as I type, instead of decomposing in a box in Kentucky. If one event had been altered by even a second, I would not be here.

But the true miracle, for me, is that I was gifted another opportunity to love my children again.

And this miracle occurs in only 3 hours and 40 minutes!

I can only thank every one of you- family, friends, strangers- for propping me up, strengthening me, helping me to heal my mind. Your kind words of support and love, no matter how big or small, has helped me to find the crux of my second life: DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILDREN. 

This is what I am here for. This is the signpost that I use to navigate through the madness. This includes healing myself so I can be a present and stable father for them. I have self interests, but they are secondary and exist only under the umbrella of serving my children.

All I do, all my choices, in my second life is done for their benefit.

I am grateful to each of you.

The Dance




The sun seemingly falls only to rise again. Music, the laughter of children, intellectual conversation, is but the rising and falling of sound waves we interpret as vibration. Ocean waves rise only to fall, withdraw, and rise again.

We fall, to the absolute bottom, only to pick ourselves back up.

It is the ebb and flow of life in its pure form.

But this motion is joined by one thing. My fingers are attached to hands attached to arms attached to my body which is governed by my brain, in the center. My fingers mirror each other on opposite sides of the body, but they are connected by a single source.

It is that which joins the polarity of rising and falling that gives us meaning. We give it names like God or consciousness or particles or life. Vague words whose definition we debate, but are only arrows that point towards something that can never be articulated by language and mathematics.

Rising and falling is the dance of something unlimited, microcosmic and macrocosmic, that we struggle to comprehend.

We dance while we search. Without realizing we are searching, without realizing we are dancing. Without realizing we are that which we are searching for.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,

DP

13.2.15

I SURRENDER TO MY BROKEN HEART







This is where my story ends.

L****, out of respect for the memory of me, please find the time to sit down, by yourself, and read our WhatsApp exchanges- starting from around August 3rd to the end.

At the beginning, we are both gentle, playful, and understanding. Then by August 8, the day after you first slept with B****, your tone changes and I immediately sense it. You're in love with B****. But I won’t know this for another half a year.

The lies flow immediately, endlessly, and without remorse. Note that I'm still kind and validating, as best I can, but I am clearly confused, deeply saddened, and falling quickly into misery. Also note that you are mostly concerned with arranging more trips- so you can see B****.

For six months I endured this. Absolute loneliness, wretched depression and the notion that suicide is the only relief from my pain and confusion. So many times I asked if there was someone else. So many times you got angry and denied it. From August 8th 2014 to February 8th 2015 this went on.

You have no idea what torture you put me through because you never cared. Your only concern was your love for B****, your fear of losing him. That fear will never go away.

I cry and cry and moan the obvious question: Why didn't you just tell me. Why didn't you just tell me as soon as it happened? I can handle the truth, I can live with the facts. I told you things will only improve if we are completely transparent with each other, that it will be the hardest thing to do, but worth it. But you chose to betray me, for 186 days. Endless days and nights of me not knowing and looking for answers or evidence in everything.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I made a card and painting for you this Valentine’s Day. I also got you some wind chimes in a beautiful 5 note Tibetan scale for your birthday (I did this before I found out about you and B****, if you’re wondering). You will find them in the backpack I will be wearing at my time of death. There are also letters for A**** and L****- only they are allowed to open them. You or A***** can read my letter to L** but only he can open it.

Confronting you was an awful mistake and there is absolutely no justification for it. You have no idea how much I regret that. It was a thoughtless knee-jerk reaction fueled by the shock of the affair and escalating rage based on the sexual details of the affair. I am so sorry. No matter what led up to it, it does not make it okay.

However I don’t appreciate the way you played up the victim role and dramatized it so that you could leverage yourself against me. It took attention away from your affair, your betrayal, your infidelity and the deep pain you inflicted upon me day after day. You used it as proof that you need freedom from the evil person that I am.

I hope my death exposes the truth. I was searching for answers and literally going insane trying to find the truth about you. When I finally found out, the shock was immense and all-consuming.

I am beyond any kind of help now. You have taken away the people I love more than anything else in the world. You can invent many reasons and justifications, but the truth is: you took my kids away from me. A**** and L****.

You shattered my life, stabbed me in the heart, took my kids, and made me the awful villain.

I know you are in love and I know you two are perfect for each other. I truly feel that way. He’s your age, Persian, handsome, business savvy, wealthy, pseudo-Buddhist, charming socialite, surfer, wine-r and dine-r, and good in the sack to boot. He's everything you ever wanted from a husband and who I could never be. I, however, am the same person you chose to marry and have children with, at one point of your life. A loner arty dude.

Like you, he is in love with himself first and foremost.

In your sorrow and guilt, he will comfort you and use your vulnerable state to gain points as the good guy, the rescuing knight beside you, offering solace, money, shelter. So compassionate is Prince Charming.

I spent a decade of my life with you and I know you better than anyone else. You will wallow in the sympathy and attention garnished generously by your friends and family and B****. You will play the victim role to the hilt, as always, for you need love as we all do.

Unfortunately, I am also human so I also need love.

But make no mistake- you are forever guilty. Guilty of cheating on me. Guilty of lying to me. Guilty of betraying me. Guilty of breaking up the family. Guilty of taking the kids away from their father. Guilty of destroying my life as well as theirs. Guilty of torturing me to the point that I saw no other way out but to hang myself.

They will hug you and tell you not to blame yourself for my actions. As if you had nothing to do with it.

I believe you will live with B****, have the big, fancy wedding you always dreamed of, have a child with him, and live happily ever after. He will be a father figure to the kids and I will be a distant memory rarely mentioned.

But my parents lost another son. My brother lost another brother. My friends lost another friend. Your children lost their father. And I lost a future that still held so much potential and so many dreams I wanted so badly to realize.

All because of your actions at the wedding. All because of your affair. All because of your selfish lack of concern for me and the kids. All because of this charming man in a fancy car (who will in time- mark my words- break your heart too. If he can have a discrete affair with a married woman now, he will have one later as well).

I hope B**** is worth the misery you have spewed into the universe.

So this is where my story ends.

I have truly had enough of this life. You have buried me into a hole too deep for me to get out of. The only future I have left is to never see my kids and to never have your love. What kind of future is that? I have nothing now. The three of you were all I ever had and all I ever wanted. And not one of you is in my life.

I cannot live without my precious children. I truly cannot live without the love and affection from you, my beloved wife. I would have done anything for you and the kids and you know this to be true in your heart.

Suicide is the only way out of this mess. This legal mess, this financial mess, this emotional mess. I welcome an exit, a chance to start anew.

I have letters for the kids and my family. But this letter- this is for you, L****. And for the world to see and understand.

You created all this tragedy. You destroyed my life, emotionally, financially, legally, and now physically. The damage is beyond repair. My life is totaled. There is only one way out of this burning car.

But I forgive you, L****. I forgive you for the torture, the affair, and the lack of concern for what I went through. I forgive you because I truly love you and always have.

I cannot forgive you for taking the kids away from me. I miss them with such intensity that I weep as soon as I imagine holding A****'s little hand or kissing L**'s soft cheek. I think about them constantly so I weep constantly. I am going to miss them and they are going to miss me. I am not going to miss the person you became. You became someone I never met.

All the legal maneuvering you are doing (going on the advice of B****, your attorney, and your father) you keep pushing me around like a pawn in a chess game. You've won. You've painted me into a corner I can’t escape.

I just can’t take it anymore.

When I finally found out the truth, an unbearable weight was lifted from me. All the confusion was gone, finally, and it all made complete sense: the weight loss, the lingerie, the gym addiction, the facials, the waxing, the Persian cookbook, the love poem you claimed was for me, the Neruda poems, the Buddhist book you claimed was from an ex boyfriend, the What Successful People Do Before Breakfast book, all those trips to LA, the secret meetings in NYC and staying overnight in Philly. Finally, all the pieces fit into place and all my suspicions and intuitive insights were legitimized.

One massive weight was lifted and instantly replaced with another. I can no longer eat, I’ve lost 10 lbs in 4 days. I cannot sleep. I can't even watch TV because romantic love is everywhere and all I can see is you and B**** together. I think only of the two of you together, deceiving me for six months, deceiving me right this very moment. All desire or motivation to do anything, even to breathe, is depleted.

You are in love. I understand love. Why didn’t you just tell me that? You should have told me the truth on Aug 8 2014 and onwards. If you had, I might still be here, co-parenting with you, you could still have B****, and our beautiful children could still have their father.

You wanted me out of your life and now I am out of your way. You got everything you wanted. You are free.

Somehow, my love for you still burns as strong as ever. When I think of you, just you alone, how you used to be, my heart swells with love. My love burns now, it will burn tomorrow, and every day thereafter. I loved you with all my heart and I still love you so very much, even as I type these words. I would do, and did, everything and anything for you. I never cheated on you the entire decade we were together. I truly hope you find loyalty like that again.

You, A**** and L**** were all I ever wanted. And for a moment, in a group hug, all my dreams came into fruition. I am so thankful for that moment. I will always have that. I will carry it with me where I am going.


Goodbye L****
My one and only valentine
Forever and ever


David

PS: I know you’ll deny and cite a million other reasons, but you know this to be the truth: Don’t relocate to LA just because you are afraid of losing B****. If B**** truly loves you, he will wait. If you need your family, they will come to you. Let the children live and thrive in H**********. They will grow up to be wise and loving here. Always put what’s best for the kids before anything else- your love relationship, your career, your friends, your family, everything. They are untouched and pure as the winter breeze, don’t make this harder on them than it already is. They need stability right now. Their Daddy is gone forever. To uproot them and take them to the other side of the country is foolish.

12.2.15

Broken Moon


I decided to change the time
of my death
to twenty four hours
earlier

I can’t wait any longer
all is prepared
everything is ready to execute
and this waiting
is making me sick to my stomach

I know it will hurt
I just hope nothing goes wrong
if I don’t die tonight
my already insurmountable problems
will amplify a hundred fold

but nothing will go wrong
I’ve thought out every detail
it makes more sense
to do it tonight
than tomorrow
and my gut is telling me
tomorrow is too late

this is the last sunset
I’ll ever see
this is the last blue sky
I’ve had enough of this life
I am ready

I feel sick
knowing that christian’s baby will be born
right before I die

I feel sick
knowing how my mother and father
and brother
will feel

I feel sick
knowing how alina and lucas
will feel

I feel sick
knowing that leila and babak
will continue to
consummate their love
despite my death
and live together
in los angeles

I feel sick
thinking about
what I am about
to do
to my perfect temple

I just want to get it over with
I can’t wait any longer

no more bills to pay
no more court
no more lawyers

no more unfaithful
unloving
hideuously cruel
hateful
wife

no more kids
no more love
no more shining eyes
no more laughter
so pure

no more hating my body
no more hating my face
no more hating my “talent"
no more hating
everything about me

a self-loathing
that leila fostered
when she made me
worthless

you truly crushed me, leila
you got your revenge
you crushed me into ash and bone and decayed flesh
you won

the street lights have come on
the kids are probably playing after dinner
I have eight hours
of life left

I smell the pillows
inhale the sweet scent
of where my children
once lay their heads

11.2.15

Nearing The Homestretch


Yes, we are ugly and unprepossessing. But we are not in love with beauty, we don't worship beauty, we don't crave it. We adore reality and nature, with all it's warts and tragedy and transcendence. We don't love only a portion of nature and the human drama (beauty). We love the entire scope of it's reach.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield.

DP

25.2.14




We use this "torn apart" as a binding agent. Letting go becomes the glue that holds us together. The more we allow, the closer we become.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,

DP

31.8.13




This is quite an intense feeling of longing and desiring. Waiting for the moment we rehearsed last night. We know how things will pan out tonight, and tomorrow. We are not subject to passing emotions.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,

DP