X Rays

Despite feeling light years better than I have in 7 months, and absorbing all the radiance from family, friends, unknowns, and new love, it's become clear to me that I am still vulnerable and raw regarding recent events. I'm sure it's to be expected- how often does pain dissolve overnight?

It's mostly due to "triggers" found commonly in popular culture. What I read and watch. Triggers is an apt term that I really like- an accurate way to describe how it feels after the trigger is pulled, and who or what is doing the pulling.

The biggest hurdle is trying to overcome the absolute viciousness and zero concern for my healing my displayed by my ex since immediately after the incident and continuing to this very moment. I shouldn't be so surprised, but I am.

I'm happy to cut people like that out of my life, definitively, but I still long to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship. And to forgive her, for the past and for now. But who can deny the pain of sharing a decade of someone I was deeply in love with, who birthed our two beautiful children, only to have it all end like a helicopter crash. Like a scab that someone keeps scratching off.

But instead of saying, "Dude, what the fuck are you doing? That was healing!" which would be entirely appropriate, I have to keep my mouth shut for legal reasons and just hope that they will realize on their own how their actions affect others.

But narcissistic sociopaths don't follow predictable trains of thought like that. That is their own curse and their's alone. I realize now it's not something to fight against but to sympathize with. I have my own curses and the people that truly love me help me through them.

It's impossible for me to completely reject the mother of my kids, so I keep her name on my arm. As a past life reminder. That time is 100% over and will never repeat itself, but it existed.

The trick is to not dwell too long on such things and be effective in the moment. Jump one obstacle at a time. Hold onto the hands extended to you. They will help you over.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,




I couldn’t sleep again last night. But this time it wasn’t from anxiety, it was from excitement and happiness.

In 3 hours and 45 minutes I will be with my children again!

I have had dreams about them, I spend evenings looking at old pictures of them, I keep their handwritten notes and drawings made for me next to my bed. Not a moment has gone by when I haven’t fantasized about hugging them, holding them again.

It hasn’t even been that long. I have been on tour longer than this. The crucial difference is: there was a time not long ago when I was absolutely sure I would never see them again.

I had farewell letters written for each of them on my person when I jumped.

It’s truly a miracle I survived. It’s a miracle I am healthy and heart-beating as I type, instead of decomposing in a box in Kentucky. If one event had been altered by even a second, I would not be here.

But the true miracle, for me, is that I was gifted another opportunity to love my children again.

And this miracle occurs in only 3 hours and 40 minutes!

I can only thank every one of you- family, friends, strangers- for propping me up, strengthening me, helping me to heal my mind. Your kind words of support and love, no matter how big or small, has helped me to find the crux of my second life: DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILDREN. 

This is what I am here for. This is the signpost that I use to navigate through the madness. This includes healing myself so I can be a present and stable father for them. I have self interests, but they are secondary and exist only under the umbrella of serving my children.

All I do, all my choices, in my second life is done for their benefit.

I am grateful to each of you.

The Dance

The sun seemingly falls only to rise again. Music, the laughter of children, intellectual conversation, is but the rising and falling of sound waves we interpret as vibration. Ocean waves rise only to fall, withdraw, and rise again.

We fall, to the absolute bottom, only to pick ourselves back up.

It is the ebb and flow of life in its pure form.

But this motion is joined by one thing. My fingers are attached to hands attached to arms attached to my body which is governed by my brain, in the center. My fingers mirror each other on opposite sides of the body, but they are connected by a single source.

It is that which joins the polarity of rising and falling that gives us meaning. We give it names like God or consciousness or particles or life. Vague words whose definition we debate, but are only arrows that point towards something that can never be articulated by language and mathematics.

Rising and falling is the dance of something unlimited, microcosmic and macrocosmic, that we struggle to comprehend.

We dance while we search. Without realizing we are searching, without realizing we are dancing. Without realizing we are that which we are searching for.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,



Broken Moon

I decided to change the time
of my death
to twenty four hours

I can’t wait any longer
all is prepared
everything is ready to execute
and this waiting
is making me sick to my stomach

I know it will hurt
I just hope nothing goes wrong
if I don’t die tonight
my already insurmountable problems
will amplify a hundred fold

but nothing will go wrong
I’ve thought out every detail
it makes more sense
to do it tonight
than tomorrow
and my gut is telling me
tomorrow is too late

this is the last sunset
I’ll ever see
this is the last blue sky
I’ve had enough of this life
I am ready

I feel sick
knowing that christian’s baby will be born
right before I die

I feel sick
knowing how my mother and father
and brother
will feel

I feel sick
knowing how alina and lucas
will feel

I feel sick
knowing that leila and babak
will continue to
consummate their love
despite my death
and live together
in los angeles

I feel sick
thinking about
what I am about
to do
to my perfect temple

I just want to get it over with
I can’t wait any longer

no more bills to pay
no more court
no more lawyers

no more unfaithful
hideuously cruel

no more kids
no more love
no more shining eyes
no more laughter
so pure

no more hating my body
no more hating my face
no more hating my “talent"
no more hating
everything about me

a self-loathing
that leila fostered
when she made me

you truly crushed me, leila
you got your revenge
you crushed me into ash and bone and decayed flesh
you won

the street lights have come on
the kids are probably playing after dinner
I have eight hours
of life left

I smell the pillows
inhale the sweet scent
of where my children
once lay their heads


Nearing The Homestretch

Yes, we are ugly and unprepossessing. But we are not in love with beauty, we don't worship beauty, we don't crave it. We adore reality and nature, with all it's warts and tragedy and transcendence. We don't love only a portion of nature and the human drama (beauty). We love the entire scope of it's reach.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield.



We use this "torn apart" as a binding agent. Letting go becomes the glue that holds us together. The more we allow, the closer we become.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,



This is quite an intense feeling of longing and desiring. Waiting for the moment we rehearsed last night. We know how things will pan out tonight, and tomorrow. We are not subject to passing emotions.

From the ashes, like an eerie silent battlefield,