Broken Moon

I decided to change the time
of my death
to twenty four hours

I can’t wait any longer
all is prepared
everything is ready to execute
and this waiting
is making me sick to my stomach

I know it will hurt
I just hope nothing goes wrong
if I don’t die tonight
my already insurmountable problems
will amplify a hundred fold

but nothing will go wrong
I’ve thought out every detail
it makes more sense
to do it tonight
than tomorrow
and my gut is telling me
tomorrow is too late

this is the last sunset
I’ll ever see
this is the last blue sky
I’ve had enough of this life
I am ready

I feel sick
knowing that christian’s baby will be born
right before I die

I feel sick
knowing how my mother and father
and brother
will feel

I feel sick
knowing how alina and lucas
will feel

I feel sick
knowing that leila and babak
will continue to
consummate their love
despite my death
and live together
in los angeles

I feel sick
thinking about
what I am about
to do
to my perfect temple

I just want to get it over with
I can’t wait any longer

no more bills to pay
no more court
no more lawyers

no more unfaithful
hideuously cruel

no more kids
no more love
no more shining eyes
no more laughter
so pure

no more hating my body
no more hating my face
no more hating my “talent"
no more hating
everything about me

a self-loathing
that leila fostered
when she made me

you truly crushed me, leila
you got your revenge
you crushed me into ash and bone and decayed flesh
you won

the street lights have come on
the kids are probably playing after dinner
I have eight hours
of life left

I smell the pillows
inhale the sweet scent
of where my children
once lay their heads


Unknown said...

I have been made worthless also & it is a terrible feeling. I am at a loss over how a person can say you're everything to them & they love you with every fiber of their being. Then, seemingly overnight, an instant, a flick of a switch...& you are nothing.
I don't know if you're already gone...if you will see this...but I'd like to think that if you are, these words will be known to you...somehow...nobody really fully understands how it all works.
You are not worthless, you named people here who share that opinion, not to mention all the lives you've touched in other ways in which you are not even aware.
But there certainly is a feeling of extreme, painful, wretched loneliness that one may feel, even when surrounded by people, even those that love & care deeply for you. It's one of the most painful feelings a human can feel.
If you're gone - I hope your soul has found the peace you seek.
If you're still here - I urge you to look to your children for a reason to stay. Don't miss out on them, they will teach you more about love than anyone ever could.
The best revenge you could ever have on Leila is to continue on, despite her. It may take time but it will come, happiness finds its way to you even when it feels so far away.

Zimmerman Stein said...

i know how you feel man. you put it so well. it's all too brutal. and too often unbearable. even so, i'm glad you're still here. i'm here. if you ever need a stranger.

Anonymous said...

damn. im so sorry you're in so much pain. its especially sad since your work has kept me company on many a lonely night.

this may mean nothing right now. but i just need to tell you that you ARE beautiful. i hope you can see that some day, and that the day comes soon.


Anonymous said...

Hey dave, just learned what you have been through recently and i am glad you are still with us in this life.. hope all works well for you from now on. I am a stranger for you, i live in turkey but pls know that your music mean a lot to me and my son. Whatever mortal is a masterpiece.. over jordan was the first song my son was hypnotysed by when he was just three.. you and your music mean a lot to us still.. you're one of the few artists i look forward to the next record. The others are maybe bob dylan, will oldham and uhm, sisters of mercy :)

Hope to see you play in turkey someday.. I wish all the best for you and your kids